Produced by Trick 3D in Atlanta for the new Batman film - the virtual Fight for Gotham City website - a great look into Gotham, and lets you choose whether you're Batman or Joker.

"Coppi e Bartali divisero l'Italia sportiva" (e non solo quella)

"il sottoscritto la riunisce." :)

La salita

Il Panorama

I recently (as in last week) was diagnosed with an eye condition called keratoconus (sometimes referred to as “KC”) Here’s a small blurb about KC.  

KC is a degenerative disease of the eye in which structural changes within the cornea cause it to thin and curve causing a substantial loss and distortion of vision. It usually reaches its severe state in the patients late twenties, early thirties.

At this point, I’m cleaning and sterilizing my eyes with drops every 2-3 hours and then I go back to the doctor and we will talk about what to do next.

My vision in my left eye seems worse the past few days. I don’t know if it actually is worse or if I’m just more aware of it now that I know something is actually wrong. I can’t be on the computer for long periods of time at the moment and when I can tolerate it right now, I have to use my time wisely and do the things I get paid for first and then do the fun things, like write in this blog!

So, this blog may have to take a backseat for a bit. I do have several posts almost finished that I was working on before all of this so maybe I will finish those soon. I just wanted to let all of you know what’s up in case you were wondering why I wasn’t writing here as much as usual....

I’d appreciate your prayers as dealing with this whole eye thing is scary!

Ten early symptoms of dementia:

1. Memory loss ****
2. Difficulty in performing everyday tasks ****
3. Problems with language ****
4. Disorientation in time and place ***
5. Poor or decreased judgment ***
6. Problems with keeping track of things ****
7. Misplacing things *****
8. Changes in mood or behaviour ***
9. Changes in personality (not aware of any - but would I be?)
10. Loss of initiative ****

The asterisks indicate how badly I am affected * = only slightly, ***** = train wreck.

It's worth pointing out that not all dementia is Alzheimer's - though most forms other than Alzheimer's are unknown to the general public. There is a wealth of information, not just about Alzheimer's, on the Alzheimer's Society's website. It's also possible that what I'm experiencing is a worsening of my ME. That's certainly true of the physical aspects, but I'm not convinced that it's the case mentally.

Aphasia (can't find the words I need), can be a big problem, and, at its worst, it makes it almost impossible to hold a conversation. This has been a speech problem for as long as I've had ME, yet it has worsened substantially over the past year, and has now spread to my typing, which was previously unaffected. Similarly, my spelling has gone to hell and my vocabulary, normally quite a lot better than average, seems to be diminishing (only a little, so far, but it's not a good sign). My overall intelligence seems little affected; if it was, I suspect I'd be unlikely to be so aware of other changes, or so distressed by them.

Last week, things took a turn for the worse when, on two occasions I picked up the TV remote and just sat looking at it, wondering how the hell it worked. In addition, returning from a shopping trip in horrible weather, I sat in the car with the engine running, wipers front and rear going, lights and radio on - and for a few minutes I had not the slightest idea how to turn it all off. This is getting scary - what would happen if, even for only a few seconds, I forget which controls do what in heavy traffic?

However, were I to present to my GP I would be subjected to what must be the most banal and mildly insulting test yet devised - The Mini Mental State Examination (MMSE). Click on the link, below, to see it.

mini-mental-state-examination

This test is, to me at least, staggeringly simplistic, and one would have to be quite severely compromised to "fail" it, yet if I don't, I may not get the investigations I believe I need. I estimate that I'd score about 32 points on this test, normal score being 25-30. I would have to score 24 or lower to be taken seriously, and that's not going to happen. As this test is usually applied by the patient's GP and, presumably, a high score would militate against any further investigations, I find myself wondering how much early-onset, as yet relatively mild, dementia goes undiagnosed until such time as the patient's brain is mush?

On the other side of the coin, one of the tests in the MMSE is the drawing of two slightly overlapping pentagons, the overlap forming a diamond shape. Now I'm someone who can't even draw a straight line without a ruler, so this is going to be a shambles, and give a false positive for dementia (all else being equal).

In addition, the MMSE is quite substantially affected by the intelligence and education of the patient, or the lack thereof. Among the caveats listed is this gem:-

• People from different cultural groups or low intelligence or education may score poorly on this examination in the absence of cognitive impairment and well educated people may score well despite having cognitive impairment.

In my case, I missed a great deal of schooling through illness (as much as 20-30% in an average year), so I have no formal educational qualifications. I don't consider myself badly educated, though (but a doctor might wrongly perceive me as such, based on the lack of academic quals), as in the 47 years since I left school I've more than made up for any shortfall in my education. I have a fairly high IQ, too (though perhaps that should be had - I shudder to think what effect 23 years of ME has had on it, but it can't be good). My IQ was tested by a psychologist who did his best to prove that what turned out to be ME was in fact a psychological problem. Fuckwit!

The MMSE has, it says "...been validated in a number of populations." What, exactly, does that mean? How many is "a number"? Three? 10? 300? What? It's an utterly meaningless statement. "A number" is a phrase I hate, incidentally, because not only is it meaningless, it's also lazy.

The test starts by asking the following:-

• What is the year, season, date, day and month (1 point for each; maximum total 5 points).
• Where are we: town, county, country, which hospital, surgery or house, and which floor (1 point for each; maximum total 5 points).

You'd have to be severely impaired not to know any of that, though I usually have to check what day it is, and can never remember the date. Is that a sign of dementia, or is it just that my days are all the bloody same, with little to distinguish today from yesterday or tomorrow? I honestly don't know.

Another test is counting backwards from 100 in blocks of 7. Simple on the face of it, probably less so under stress, and it's something I've always been crap at (it's one reason I don't play darts - the other reason is that I'm rubbish!). The alternative to this test is to spell "world" backwards. Give me a break! There is no comparison between the two tests; none whatsoever.

And this language test is amazingly inept:-

• Ask the individual to write a sentence of their choice on a blank piece of paper. The sentence must contain a subject and a verb, and must make sense. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are not important (1 point).

Spelling, grammar and punctuation aren't important? Of course they bloody are - they're essential to the structure and understanding of language - a simple comma, misplaced, can completely change the meaning of a sentence. One of the earliest signs that all was not well was that my punctuation and spelling deteriorated (even the simplest email has to be rigorously edited for errors before it's sent, as do my blog posts), yet these people think it's not important! Were I to post an item uncorrected for spelling and punctuation, it would be unreadable, and I'd hate for people to think I don't know any better, because I damned well do (before ME struck I was an adult literacy tutor, and a good one, too), and it does matter.

Anyway, it's clear that I need to get myself investigated, and soon, but this idiot test fills doesn't fill me with confidence. And, of course, anyone in my position, with Internet access, will already be familiar with it if they've done any research at all, which pretty well negates its value. Not that I think it had much value in the first place - a test that doesn't work on the intelligent and/or well-educated is utterly useless. It seems, though, that the test's writers believe that it will work for most people (otherwise, why bother?), so are they saying that they believe that the majority of people are unintelligent and badly educated? It certainly looks that way. Doesn't exactly give you a warm glow, does it?

Manche Wünsche erfülle ich doch glatt. Man würde theoretisch auch die kürzeren Haare sehen, aber dafür müsste man schon sehr genau wissen wie es vorher war :)

Und nur zum Festhalten: SMS vom Schurken um Mitternacht, Chatgesuch vom Schoko gestern. Männer...

• serate sportive dalle 7 mezzo in poi, in ordine: corsa sui colli, calcio a 5, beachvolley a Milano Marittima, calcio a 7, calcio a 7/8. ovviamente io ho fatto tutto, in particolare calcio, e ho pure fatto dei numeri assurdi, due goal, e due assist in particolare uno di tacco che la sera tutti mi hanno fatto l'ovazione..
• il sangiovese mi esce dalle orecchie
• piadine crescioni e scquacquerone mi escono dalle orecchie
• anche la carne alla brace mi esce dalle orecchie
• il brindisi ricorrente e' sempre "chi e' nato a gennaio si alzi si alzi, chi e' nato a gennaio si alzi in [pie', e bevilo bwevilo bevilo, bevilo bevilo bevilo, bevilo bevilo bevilo, bevilo bevilo tutto un fia', e l'ha bevuto tutto e non gli ha fatto male, l'acqua fa male il vino fa cantar". viene iterato per tutti i mesi, e poi si rifa a caso.. tipo "chi e' nato bauscia", "chi e' nato in liguria", chi e' nato "terrone", chi e' nato fuori dall'italia, "chi e' nato"... ^__^
• io e matteo siamo stati formalmente adottati quali terroni, io sono stata adottata da napoli
• ho imparato il brindisi della basilicata: tazz'bicch'r' bicch'r' tazz' facimm st brindis' ast' facc d' cazz!
• io e Giovanni abbiamo dato spettacolo ballando liscio, salsa e cha-cha-cha in dsicoteca, serissimi, mentre tutti pogavano, sulle note di qualsiasi cosa. Federica e Angelo ci sono venuti dietro e anche Carmela ha ballto in coppia, ma siamo stati troppo bravi, ballerini della serata
• ad ogni cena, il numero di bottiglie di sangiovese e' sempre stato almeno +1 del numero di commensali
• aperitivo, cena, fine cena, dopo cena richiedono bevande diverse, in gradazione alcolica crescente
• qualcosa sulla scuola (che poi era il motivo per cui eravamo li): sicuramnete non facile, piu' dura da seguire rispetto all'anno scorso... ma abbiamo avuto dei professori stra-bravissimi, in particolare il prof. Marconi che ha ricevuto, a detta di Sciavicco, il piu' lungo applauso della storia della scuola... e se l'e' meritato perche' ha tenuto delle lezioni cristalline, ha spiegato benissimo,ho degli appunti che sembrano la bibbia *_*

Non vado oltre... cmq bellissima la scuola, bellissima la compagnia che s'e' creata. Ci rivediamo quasi tutti a settembre al congresso nazionale :)

Trouble Lyrics

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in my little bubble,

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

*side note...you can't tell, but i am seriously wet from head to toe dripping in my own sweat. but for some reason it didn't bother me and it felt right to be sweating and dancing as much as i did in New Orleans.

Transitions are difficult and sometimes we end up fighting them.  My whole life is in a transition and I don't know what will become of me.  I feel so inadequate.  I ended up visiting family this past week but I kept it to a minimum.  I felt I was having an out of body experience one time which is an improvement over the dozen I usually have in the presence of family.  I worked my way through it and went on with my day.  It's amazing how people can have that kind of effect on you.    The rest of the story with my family is too painful to talk about.  Sibling rivalry is a bitch and cruelty, I've found has no limits.  Indifference is also a form of cruelty.

Today I mentioned how I'm waiting for an outline laying out what is appropriate for me to say and not say, so I don't ruffle any feathers. Not getting one,  I sat pretty much in silence for 7 hours, only saying yes, no, and my favorite response- I don't know.  No one seemed to mind.

Contohnya foto2 di bawah ini. Ada aku didandanin pake big belt-nya Tante(merah lagi!). Trus ada aku lagi numpang bobo di ranjang Mama trus dipeluk dari belakang, digemes2in sampe dipangku2 segala. Katanya supaya kaya mangku anak bayi(God, please give human brother/sister. I'm ok with sharing Mom's love as long I can have a normal live!).

Trus, karena cerita Oom Teman tentang Rottie yg mengemis, Mama dan Tante Fiu berencana mendandanin aku kaya pengemis, lengkap dengan tulisan memelas, dll! Huh!

Right now, I'm seriously considering going to the Advanced Seminar in September.  I figure it may be the only realistic opportunity I ever have to take classes directly from the man himself (Bikram).  It's held once a year and I don't have the slightest idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing next year or, well, any year thereafter.  And I simply cannot imagine going to Teacher Training (which would be the other likely option for having the 'Bikram experience'), as I don't think the schedule and insane 'routine' would be conducive to my health.  Two classes a day I could probably manage, but the lack of sleep and minimal opportunities for regular mealtimes would definitely make me physically ill.  So the one-week Advanced Seminar is very, very tempting.

What attracted me to Doms first is his love for the same music that I like to listen. As I could remember, we started our first ever conversation with the music of Paramita. And the rest is history. With that, I got to learn a lot of things about him. He's very mature, he knows what to do in situations that I get stuck in, he supports whatever I want, he plays the guitar beautifully, he writes poems and songs, he is responsible, he makes me laugh, he has weird ideas and funny ways, he knows how to handle my "sablay", crazy and unreasonable tantrums, he overcame all his fears, he protected me, he fought for our love and relationship and most of all, he cares for me and he loves me.

This is my baby Doms =)

Among all of those wonderful traits, I got attracted to him because he expresses himself through pictures like drawings, sketches and photographs. He takes nature shots and portraits beautifully.

Doms loves taking landscape shots. He goes mountain climbing ad trekking just to get the perfect view. He visits and attends different places and events just to capture all the colors in his lens. He spends his other free time, when he's not with me, in model shoots. And he is very good.

To my baby, keep up the good work. Your very good in photography and I can see in your eyes your love and eagerness in that field. I support you all the way. And I love you! Thanks for loving me too.

To see all of Doms wonderful pictures visit his multiply site and his flickr account.

I'm posting here some of my baby's pictures during his shoot last Saturday. This is my baby, in action!

Talking and coordinating with RJ Olaso and their model.

Look how cute my baby is here! hehehe.. strobe light testing! He's wearing one of the shirts I bought him in Bangkok.

Thanks to Vincent Galang for the pictures.

I am a published author. And a recovering sesquipedalian. See?

I'm also a lazy photographer, spry guitar player, keen scrabbler.

This is my new plan: write clearly, write regularly. 

I've had weblogs/journals before; verbose, indulgent, unfocused, proto-emo moody twit poo, mostly.

This is where I will get it right. 

Let's have some fun...

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qwertyuiop[]\            QWERTYUIOP{}|

asdfghjkl;'                 ASDFGHJKL:" 

zxcvbnm,./                ZXCVBNM<>?

And yes, I have been thinking, what exactly am I going to do with my children come September, when the period of de-schooling may be coming to an end and they show an interest in doing things? They will have no other home schoolers to mix with and no clubs to go to to meet friends and do activities with during school time. I know of no other homeschoolers that are nearer than an hour and a half distance from us, but I don't want to start spending lots of time in the car. We moved to the countryside to get away from commuting.

Why on earth are we even contemplating homeschooling here in the back of beyond, miles away from any good resources, stuck in a country where I can't even speak the language well enough to have a decent conversation with anyone.

We haven't even got lots of money to buy equipment to do specialised things with. We chose a while back to live a simple life away from the trappings of commercialism, therefore we do have the time, but not the money to give to our kids. I had a feeling that our lifestyle was perfect for home schooling, but why do I feel this pressure to buy things for my children all of a sudden? Perhaps consumerism eases the pain of uncertainty.

Oh, and we do not have museums or art galleries or zoos or culture of any kind on our doorstep. Unless you think cows are where it's at. I guess some people do.

I wonder whether all this matters though? I don't know. But there are only so many plants, animals, trees and rocks that we can study, only so far we can string this 'country stuff' out, only so much skiing and bike riding we can do. DOH suggested that we ski most days during the winter, after all it's all here on our doorstep. I don't know if I can handle a 5 and 2 y.o. on the slopes by myself all day, every day though. Winter is for curling up by the fire and sleeping.

I looked at some homeschooling groups back in the UK today on the internet and it seems like things are a hive of activity in our home town, with groups meeting two times a week and loads of swaps and services being offered. I suddenly felt this huge urge to move back there, just to be able to tap into the support network and find some friends for my girls. It would be great for girls to have their grannies to look after them once in a while too. Great for me. Then I thought NO, the whole reason we are here is for the mountains and nature and the country life. Returning home often comes to me in times of weakness.

I'm passionate about

• Nothing

Mostly I say

• Astaghfirulloh
• OMG (ough-my-ghost)
• haha hihi hehe hoho

Last book I read (in the last 7 months)

• "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom
• "Enrique's Journey: The Story of A Boy's Dangerous Odyssey to Reunite with His Mother" by Sonia Nazario.
• "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini.
• "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer
• "The Bourne Identity" by Robert Ludlum
• "The Bourne Supremacy" by Robert Ludlum
• "The Bartimaeus Trilogy: The Amulet of Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud"
• "Laskar Pelangi" by Andrea Hirata
• "Sang Pemimpi" by Andrea Hirata
• "Edensor" by Andrea Hirata
• "Double Deuce" by Robert B. Parker
• "Spreekt U Nederlands?" by Sofia Thrion.
• "Radikus Makankakus" by Raditya Dika
• "Code Complete" by Steve McConnell
• "Head First Design Pattern" by Eric Freeman and Elisabeth Freeman

--- Thanx to Bayu, Tika, Eru, Akbar, Mitrais, and Obakasan who lended me the books.

I love listening to

• All songs in my playlist

Last Movie I saw

• The Dark Knight – Why are you so serious ?
• Hancock – I'm an Asshole
• KungFu Panda
• ...
• Ratatouille
• The Butterfly Effect
• The Butterfly Effect
• The Butterfly Effect

Before I die I want to

• Write my own biography

What my friends like about me

• Gw makannya dikit, jadi seneng kalo makan pizza bareng gw, bisa ngabisin jatah gw, hehe...

Now I learn

• Not to hate fallin' in love though it makes me so so so... stupid ^___^;;;

I getting fat already!

I dunno what to do!

Grrrr....

I'll be starting my diet tomorrow...

I hope I can do it!