Blanching, the lady replies, "Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?"

"Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a trading account this instant!"

"Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of talk in this institution!"

The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and tells him about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss asks the man, "Is there a problem, sir?"

"I don't have a dang problem," the man says, "I just inherited 100 million and I want to open a so-and-so trading account with this blankety-blank brokerage!"

"I get the picture sir," the boss says, "and this wench of a broker is causing you a problem?"

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

* Kinder Bueno White.

* Twix White.

* Mikado Zen.

* Chocoladepasta.

* Witte pralines.
De bruine en zwarte laat ik liggen totdat de witte op zijn.

...

Begrijp me niet verkeerd. Mijn maaltijden bestaan uit voldoende groente, aardappelen en vlees. Zo nu en dan een tussendoortje... in het wit graag =)

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. "

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

From: www.onlyfunnystories.com

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

Moral:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 30 May 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Your dearest hubby
XXXX

By: Deepak Verma, for www.whereincity.com

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

By: Jitendra Nayak, for www.whereincity.com

The correspondent, Mr. Musiri Mani, pulled his chair away from the table before sitting, since his huge paunch needed more space. He took the newspaper clippings that the principal handed over to him. The two clippings were announcements made by a couple of schools.

The first one was by Mangal Matriculation School. There was a photograph of a girl and one of a boy. 'School Toppers' said the caption.

Musiri Mani looked at the other cutting. He seemed to like this one better. This was from Pickwick School. The caption said: "Pickwick Higher Secondary School congratulates Ms. S. Anamika, first in the District in S.S.L.C." There were five photographs - one of the correspondent, one of the principal, one of the local M.L.A., one of the councilor of that ward, and last, in a corner, a tiny photograph of Anamika.

Mr. Mani gazed at the clipping for a long time. He imagined his own beaming face staring back at him from the newspaper.

"Why can't we have an advertisement in the papers, too?" he asked Mrs. Nanjundan.

"No one has come first in the district or state from our school" she explained.

"Let me see some other advertisements like this" said the correspondent.

The principal pressed a bell, and a horse-faced office assistant came in with an enquiring look.

'Aswathy, bring some more newspapers" said Mrs. Nanjundan. Aswathy stalked away with long strides worthy of a race horse.

She came back after while carrying several pages from newspapers. Mr. Mani glanced through them. M.C.P. Boys School, Sonagiri Secondary School, Sandalwood Secondary School, Theevana Matriculation School, Eaton School - they had all put in advertisements in the papers. Some school boasted state firsts, some others district firsts, some just had school toppers.

Mr. Mani gazed at these advertisements with envy. "I think we should put in an advertisement too" he said.

"But we will have nothing to say in it, Sir" the principal said.

'Well, we could have the pictures of the first and second rank holders in the school' said Mr. Mani.

"We will have to mention the marks they have scored, and then we will be laughed at."

"The less said about our school the better' said Miss. Aswathy.

"When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it" the correspondent snapped. Miss. Aswathy tilted her nose high up in the air, and trotted off to the next room.

"Call for a meeting of the school managing committee" said Mr. Mani to the Principal. Then he pushed his chair back, rose and waddled away, giving a good imitation of a duck moving in a hurry.

The next day the managing committee met in the Principal's office. The meeting opened with a prayer song, sung completely out of tune by a couple of teachers. It took a couple of minutes for the committee to recover from this musical onslaught.

The principal rose and welcomed the gathering. Then she went on: "We are meeting today to discuss the advertisements that have been released by various schools in the papers. Our revered correspondent is very keen on having a few advertisements for our school too."

At this point, the correspondent gestured to the principal to sit down, and then he stood up to speak. "Dear Friends," he said. "We have been putting in a lot of effort in running this school, and we deserve some recognition..."

"I thought we already had government recognition' said Mrs. Ganapthy, a member who had just then come in.

"I don't mean government recognition. I mean recognition by the public. For which we have to advertise."

"It pays to advertise" said Mr. Alok Kumar, a businessman.

"I thought we had to pay to advertise' said Mrs. Hamasathvani, a retired collage professor.

"Yes, yes, we pay first and then reap the benefits" said the correspondent rather irritably. "I want you to help in writing out an advertisement which will claim that out school is different from all other schools; that it is unique.

The principal said: "If we could form a sub-committee, we could entrust them with the writing of the ad."

Three members were selected for the sub-committee. "If you will write out the advertisement, Miss. Aswathy will have it typed in no time" said the principal.

Tea was served while the sub-committee members scratched their heads, bit their lips and gnawed at their pens. Finally they succeeded in writing an advertisement that was approved by the managing committee. Miss. Aswathy came in briskly and took the matter to be typed.

"It will be nice to have our correspondent's photo in the advertisement" said the principal with a smile that showed all her teeth and gums.

Mr. Musiri Mani blushed and blustered: "No, no. Not necessary at all. I mean no... not..."

"We can have the principal's photo, too" said Mr. Alok Kumar smoothly.

"Well, well... in that... that... case..." Mr. Mani stuttered.

"How about the photos of the managing committee members?" asked Mrs. Ganapthi.

"You can have your photographs framed and kept in the office" said the principal. And that was that.

A few days later a quarter page advertisement appeared a couple of papers.

"The Little Learners School" said the advertisement between the smiling photographs of Mr. Musiri Mani and Mrs. Nerunji Nanjundan. "A unique Distinction". It went on in very large types. "The only school to have had 100% failures for three years in succession."

All the words were printed in very bold types except the word 'failures', which was in such tiny print that one needed magnifying glasses to see it. The advertisement ended with the boast "No other school can match this record."

A hat trick, no doubt, and a unique distinction indeed!

By: Ajit Hari Sahu, for www.whereincity.com

One day See saw sea and Saw didn't see sea.

See saw sea and jumped in sea.

Saw didn't see sea, but jumped in sea.

See saw Saw in sea and Saw saw See in sea.

See Saw both were happy in sea.

The End.!!

By: Tina, for www.whereincity.com

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business. He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

By: Jitendra Nayak, for www.whereincity.com

just bicoz...

i wanted to make sure...

that your eyes were being closed...

hehe ^^

girl,

i love you...

with all my heart...

It was an afternoon in summer and he was traversing the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside himand went to sleep. Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!

"Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys wearing colourful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back.
He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that.
He threw a stone at them and they showered him with raw mangoes.

"Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said.

Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And Lo, the stupid monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Karim didn't waste a second, collected the caps and was on his way.

50 YEARS LATER....

Young Abdul, grandson of famous topiwala Karim who was also working hard at making $$$ doing his family business, was going through the same jungle.

After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade. Abdul decided to rest a while and very soon was fast asleep. A few hours later, when Abdul woke up, he realised that all the caps from his bag were gone! Abdul started searching for the same and to his surprise found some monkeys sitting on mango tree wearing his caps.

Abdul was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he remembered a story his grandfathers proudly used to let him.

"Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Abdul. "I'll make them imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"

Abdul waved at the monkeys -- the Monkeys waved at Abdul
Abdul blew his nose -- the Monkeys blew their noses
Abdul started dancing -- the Monkeys were also dancing
Abdul pulled his ears -- the Monkeys pulled their ears
Abdul raised his hands -- the Monkeys raised their hands

Abdul threw his cap on the ground ................ one of the monkeys jumped down from the tree, grab Abdul's cap, walked upto Abdul; slapped him and said

"Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"

By : Ajit Sahu, for www.whereincity.com

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

By: Gaurav Vishnoi, for www.whereincity.com

She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden".

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".

By: Gaurav Vishnoi, for www.whereincity.com

What would we do
to waft minds' feathers
when meat of heart
attacks the words
we would our wits lay down
on aires of weightless
wishing and woebegetting?
Breathless burps erupting
from gaseous pits below
the faux stomach of sight
relay the stinky matters
wanting to be left untoward
and unweighted.

return to poetic stuff

Tijdens mijn eerste echte dag aan de fotovakschool is mij verteld dat foto's sterker worden wanneer je ze in een serie gaat plaatsen. Dit klinkt natuurlijk best logisch, ik heb dit dan ook gelijk gedaan met straat foto's die ik heb gemaakt, wat vinden jullie er van?

Voor de dagboek foto van gister had ik jammer genoeg niet echt tijd dus die moet ik vandaag ook nog even maken.

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ta bỏ quá nhiều công sức, thời gian và cả money vào đó

đổi lại?

chẳng có gì

"thành viên danh dự" ư? để làm gì?

ai quan tâm?

ta đã từng rất vui vẻ ở đó

ta thấy thoải mái

box như ngôi nhà thứ 2 của ta

trong cái thế giới ảo này

và ta đã là chủ nhà

mọi người nể trọng ta

mọt lời tán thưởng, một câu cảm ơn, một cuộc tranh cãi thú vị cũng đủ làm ta nán lại bên màn hình thêm vài tiếng đồng hồ

đã có những khoảng thời gian mà ta quên đi cuộc sống thực để tiếp tục làm một moderator chăm chỉ

nhưng cuộc vui nào cũng tàn

một ngày ta chợt nhận ra

rằng "sao box vắng quá..."

...mọi người đâu cả rồi

rằng sự nhiệt tình của ta không còn được coi trọng

cả mem...cả BQT

họ đã quên...hay họ chưa từng nhớ ta đã làm gì?

trước sau ta vẫn chỉ là mod 1 box mobile nhỏ bé  và kém quan trọng

thất vọng

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